Wednesday, May 1, 2019
It's time to be Selfish.
Take care of yourself.
You can still be kind, giving and caring to others and be Selfish.
You can still explore who you are and make changes; question all those lies you've been told and believed and be Selfish.
You can drag yourself out of the crap, slowly sometimes, still shaking off the stench of those that did not love you and still find things beautiful.
You can find joy through the pain.
You are important.
You are not what they believe.
You are not what they think.
You are not the shadow of their insecurities.
You are loved.
You are cared for.
You are admired.
Shut out the lies.
Shut out those who want to destroy you.
You didn't know it then, but you know it now.
May has always been a hard month for me. It is filled with memories; filled with horrible memories.
My birthday is in May, along with both my parents, a grandmother. It is also my wedding anniversary. It holds Mother's Day and Memorial Day.
It also holds the day my mother died.
My birthday was never my own as it is two days after my father's. I think the first time I had an actual celebration of my birthday was when I found my second mom, Pat. She could make anyone feel special just by being in the same room with her. She was the one who showed me that things could be special.
May has held me in it's grip of unresolved things my whole life. I've worked on it. It is not as horrible as it used to be, but it's ghost still hovers around me. I desperately try to ignore it, but sometimes it taps my shoulder ever so slightly to remind me that it's still there, ready to fill my mind with those things that affected me for ever so long.
A year ago May was exciting! We had finally sold the house in Savannah and, on the 9th, Mary and I, plus three dogs, were on a plane jetting west to Las Vegas where Bill had already been working for six months. It had been a long, hard six months.
As the first anniversary of our arriving in Las Vegas approaches a new set of things that need to be let go crowds my mind.
Remembering the good things, especially this month, is my current goal.
Being grateful for the struggles I have gotten through.
Blessed with the good memories I have of the people that left my life too early.
Remembering that my parents did have good days separate from the bad, and that those bad memories I have do not make up the people that were my parents.
Surprised, grateful and blessed to have a man in my life for 31 years that has put up with all that is me for so long.
Proud, blessed and grateful for two daughters that brought life to me.
So bring it on, May. I'm ready for you.